It's the end of national coming out week, and this year, I don't have anything remarkable or fantastic to say.

However, I do have a Coming Out story to share. I don't remember it particularly well, though, because it happened a very long time ago and it wasn't very traumatic at all. I'll distract you with too much pre-story.

It all begins about 7 years ago, when I am magical and fat and 14 and I decide that my lunch hour would be best spent on gamefaqs.com looking up walkthroughs for Suikoden III. I wander around to the forums and find this wonderful thread posted by master strategist Shu detailing this roleplay between Shu (who is fighting with a rapier! Wow!) and I think it was Culgan.

I am rather enchanted by all of this, and thus begins my 3 year long love-affair with online roleplaying forums. I follow the link, thinking that this is all a deeply excellent idea and I make myself a log-in name that is appallingly long. At this point in my life, I sort of thought sex and anything sexy is dreadful and that the body is a horrible vessel for all evil, because I get sweaty, and tired, and hungry often and my body isn't particularly pretty and (I'm annoyed that it's starting to matter) and all I really want to do is not feel compelled to want to do and be done by boys all the time. I also thought that anyone mentioning the fact that they thought Halle Berry (or any actor or actress) was hot was absolutely scandalous and that they should just stop so we could play Magic cards again.

But I'm going to pretend I didn't have that outburst, because, in fact, I'd rather tell you coyly about how future-me would reread the confusing 14-17 years.

The first character I ever adopt is Camus, captain of the Red Knights of Matilda, because the hotter one, Miklotov, captain of the Blue Knights of Matilda, is already taken by some other roleplayer and I am very sad. Miklotov's roleplayer ends up being inactive and has bad taste in forum avatars so this is many points against him, but we still manage to be friends. This fanfic bit proves that Camus and Miklotov are totally gay for each other, anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. As long as they get to enjoy one another, I figure it's quite alright in my book (and here's where the line gets sort of weird, in that you want to roleplay the one that gets with the pretty one, but you also want to be the pretty one. It is very complicated).

What's important, though, is that I also met a girl who roleplayed Eilie, there, and she was pretty fantastic. She was a year younger than me, and I presume she still is.

As in canon, Eilie had a crush on Lord Matt (our Riou, who ended up being a dumbass), and they went out on a few cutesy roleplaying dates. What was exceptionally cool, though, was that our Eilie wanted, and actively tried to recruit, a harem of men on the side so that she could watch them have gay sex with each other. "Camus!" she would ask infrequently, "D'you want to join my harem? It will be pretty ace. I've convinced Shiro to join it already."

And thus was my first pro-gay experience.

"Umm, no thanks" I would reply, because most of the other people on the board had confirmed that joining her harem was probably, in fact, a bad idea. I remember being pretty neutral about it for a while, and thinking that it was probably mean for people to call her a horrible human being for wanting a harem full of men she could watch have sex with each other.

Then, we didn't really talk to each other for about 6 months after the board blew up a few times and most of the members were scattered to the four corners of the internets. The Suikoden board reformed a little while later under new management, and I somehow swindled my way into a leadership position as "Lady Leknaat, the new overseer of the entire roleplay." (I lied and said that we had a tripartite system, which included my wiser, older sister who's totally had experience in moderating video-game roleplaying boards).



That promptly caught fire and Eilie and I ended up migrating to other places where we had various stints as Selphie and Mog (Final Fantasy) and Zacharias Smith and Eleanor Branstone (Harry Potter).

And we began talking on AIM, and MSN, and YIM, according to what was the coolest that week, about roleplaying things, and life things, and politics things. And, without fail, even though she was in GMT and I was in -8, we'd chat, and chat, and chat and declare each other BFFs.

I'm not sure I'd be able to adequately explain why we were good friends, because our relationship was built on the fact that we didn't particularly thrive IRL, and like all horrible children growing up, it was important for us to talk, and talk, and talk. I'm going to cop out, here, and say that I loved her for many reasons. She was smart, and witty, and she showered me with attention and had this sort of confidence in both herself and me in that she made me feel absolutely wonderful for being who I was.

I share now two memories from the vault.
1.
Eilie: If you ask me, your adorableness comes from sort of *needing*
Eilie: Also, I guess you can talk to her now
Camus: What does that mean?
Eilie: Means that you should go out with someone practical who wants to take care of a little artistic darling
Camus: Oh! I never thought of it that way.
Camus: Anywho, I want to say something, but I don't know what to say.
Eilie: "Hi-ness"
Eilie: With no exclamation mark
Camus: Okay, and then what?
Eilie: Wait for a reply?
Camus: Um
Camus: Okay...
Camus: What about the awkward silence after the reply? What goes then?
Eilie:"How are you?"
Camus: Oohhhhh! *Am so nervous*
Camus: I feel like an idiot.
Eilie: You are
Camus: Here goes! *breathe, breathe breathe*
Eilie: She *netspeaks*
Camus: I was going to say that that was exceedingly cruel.
Camus: But I suppose you're right.
Eilie: Everyone's a fool when they're in love
Camus: Oh well, I suppose some things Can't Be Explained.
Camus: *Can't push enter*
Eilie: Your enter key is a minor matter!
Camus: I mean, I can't bring myself to push enter into that window with the hi-ness already typed.
Eilie: Still minor, I'm afraid
Eilie: Get your mother to push it for you
Camus: Ack!
Camus: That would be disasterous!
Eilie: Or switch to AOL!
Camus: She would ask who it was, and I would have to explain, and then I would be banned from the computer forever!
Camus: Wait, how would that help?
Eilie: The enter key only *returns* on AOL
Eilie: Also, I want someone else to suffer
Eilie: And, um
Eilie: You have heard of lying?
Camus: Yep! But she wouldn't believe me.
Camus: Okay, I'm going to press it.
Camus: Hurk1
Eilie: This girl lives in your area
Camus: That was difficult
Camus: 110 KM away
Eilie: Close enough. Why wouldn't she?
Camus: Why wouldn't she what?
Eilie: Believe you
Camus: Oh, because she's extra nosey
Camus: She'd copy down the SN and bother them later.
Camus: *Have pressed it*
Eilie: Say you go to school together!
Camus: oh gads
Camus: reply
Camus: How am I?
Eilie: And tell the other one to block your mother
Eilie: Simple!
Eilie: You are lovely and funny and wonderful and sexy
Eilie: Tell her that!
Eilie: *bounces*
Camus: Now what?
Camus: *worry*
Camus: *Pull hair*
Eilie: Did you say that?
Camus: Yep
Eilie: You idiot!
Camus: "aha"
Camus: "nice"
Camus: was said
Camus: Oh, and a period after the nice.
Eilie: Why can you manage that? I can't!
Camus: *Gasp* *Wheeze*
Eilie: People just look at me oddly!
Eilie: Ask how she is
Camus: I already did.
Camus:Well, this pause is somewhat long and awkward, should I improvise?
Eilie: Yes
Eilie: With a random comment
Camus: Oh. My. God.
Eilie: What?
Camus: Camus: *gurk*
Camus: You know, I can't even manage a conversation alone. I'm that needy.
Camus: "lol."
Camus: Am I wooing an airhead?
Eilie: Yes
Eilie: This is why I should pick your girlfriends
Camus: I *know*
Camus: They went off to take a shower.
Eilie: Not to worry! If you like her that's your choice
Eilie: And besides!
Camus: *gasp* wheeze* heart commences beating.
Eilie: Gemma has a "lol" addiction, and IRL she's lovely!
Eilie: And some of the smartest people at school netspeak
Camus: ableugbghgrggrrrrrrr...
Eilie: Really!
Eilie signed off at 11:36:14 AM.
Eilie signed on at 5:21:12 PM.
Camus: Um, so.
Camus: Um, so, in the previous story you can replace all the 'they' pronouns with 'he's' in that I rather prefer boys.
Eilie: I figured as much! I've been tempted to tell you to not use 'they' when referring to a singular.
Eilie: Also, you are far too in touch with your feminine side to be straight.
Camus: Oh, and have accidentally stumbled upon some softcore Reno/Rude while searching for something totally innocuous a while ago..
Eilie: Did you like it?
Camus: It wasn't bad.
Eilie: See?
Eilie: *would point you to more, but it probably wouldn't be greatly appreciated*

2.
Camus: Is it true that all we really want is to feel beautiful, wanted and loved?
Eilie: No.
I mean on an emotional level, at least. I realise that food and such is important also.
Eilie: Is that all you want?
Camus: I don't know, it certainly seems like it sometimes.
Eilie: Well, it's not all that I want.
Camus: What else do you want?
Eilie: To be challenged.
Eilie: To be amused.
Eilie: To love other people.
Eilie: And anyway, you can get two out of three just by getting a stalker, and that doesn't seem very emotionally fulfilling.
Camus: Who honestly needs to be challenged and amused?
Camus: Are they really that important?
Eilie: Yes.
Eilie: Otherwise, life is boring.
Camus: Sometimes I feel like they're just distractions that take away from the other three.
Eilie: But the other three are all so passive.
Eilie: Do you really, truly want to lie around being fanned and fed peeled grapes?
Eilie: And only ever sleeping and eating?
Camus: The novelty of being thought of as beautiful appeals to me muchly.
Eilie: You will never be thought of as beautiful if you spend your life sleeping & eating.
Eilie: And anyway, you would be a very boring person if you did that.
Eilie: I should have to find somebody else to amuse me.
Camus: I wouldn't mind being boring if it meant I was those other three things. I just keep thinking that the world would be a better place if we communicated to each other those things, and that if we have the capacity we should.
Eilie: Wouldn't you have to be interesting in order to be loved, though?
Camus: I don't know.
Camus: I think it's harder than you think to be uninteresting.
Camus: But I could be wrong.
Eilie: I think it's easier than you think.
Eilie: Anyway, I don't think I could ever be happy lying around and drinking cocktails all day, even if I were being waited upon by Pan, Scars, and all the other crushes I've ever had.
Camus: I guess I'd feel better about it if I earned it somehow.
Eilie: You could save the world.
Eilie: Except that then your boredom tolerance levels would probably be so low that you'd spend the rest of your life running around trying to find kitties to rescue from trees, etc.
Eilie: And anyway, I'm sure there are things you enjoy doing more than sleeping.
Camus: Feeling loved and beautiful.
Eilie: Cooking?
Eilie: Flouncing?
Eilie: LJing?
Eilie: You said that you wanted to lie around being fanned and doing nothing other than sleeping and eating.
Camus: Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind giving that all up.
Eilie: It would be very hard to flounce horizontally.
Eilie: And of course you'd have to give up talking to me.
Eilie: And LI-stalking.
Camus: I wouldn't have to LI-stalk.
Eilie: Well, you wouldn't get to talk to me.
Eilie: I feel very sorry for Future, Loved&Beautiful You.

So, here's to you, Eilie. If you happen to see this someday, thanks for being there, and for growing up with me.