Two things made me want to write this wiqaablog. The first was that I went to the local grocery store, and found the clerk there absolutely enchanting and the second was that I made it through March 22nd (renamed Awkward Cake Day) without making an ass of myself (and I was rewarded with a sexy dream!).

The clerk at the store, let's call him C, because I'm not sure if his name begins with a C or an S, and, really, I'm sure nobody on earth would want to be fingered by me on a queerblog, so I'm glad I don't know how to spell his name, is very nice to me because he always shaves off the 2 or 3 cents he knows I never have when I go and buy eggplant from him. He is also cute, and has smooth skin and nice eyebrows and he is probably my age, and he treats the other small lady clerk he works with like his sister even though she is not his sister. He also came to work hungover and not cute on March 4th (I noted this on my LJ), but that in itself was cute because he was still pleasant and fun-to-look-at even though his hair wasn't done and coming to work hungover and being nice anyway shows gumption, by-golly. He also knows my mom by name because she is far more charming than I am even though I am the one that says "I like the way you wear your green apron" (I say it with my eyes). I would very much like to be his friend and then lie down next to him and talk at night about our life stories and then maybe he will kiss me.

"Holy shit." I told myself, while meta-analyzing all the horrible, horrible feelings I had inside, "I sound like a total creeper, and also I am stupid for feeling this way about my dear grocery store clerk, because he is a grocery store clerk and he probably likes the vag and he probably won't have the income to put up with my extravagant monthly WoW bill, although I will probably get all the distressed produce I could ever want and that might just make everything work."

The direct analog to this would be its many-years-ago predecessor, my first crush. I was reminded of his birthday by Facebook because we are facebook friends, now, even though I vowed never to friend him (though he pushed the add friend button for me, and I couldn't just tell him that he could burn in hell unless he actually wanted to say something because I am just not that type of person; he never did say anything and when I posted "hi!" on his wall he just didn't reply, even though one of our mutual friends pushed the like button on it. I should just unfriend him now, but then I wouldn't get to look at his future-tagged pictures.) I considered it a triumph, when, instead of crying while eating cake with his favorite fruit (mango) in it, I made coconut cake for my other friend, who, incidentally, has the same birthdate as him.

The point of all this is that I was reminded that I'd felt this way multiple times, and that although each and every time feels different and exciting, I can still chart the course of these little stints of adoration by following some basic rules known as "virgin arithmetic," where often the sum of a person's qualities eclipses their individual values.

I've drawn diagrams in paint to help illustrate my points.

Good hair is nice

Good arms are nice too

But holy shit! When those two come together in one person! Wow, someone catch me I'm swooning. It's just that much more special.

So that's the basic principle of how people work. In such an instance, where a virgin meets someone with more than two appealing qualities, things start to blow out of proportion and embarrassing things start happening. Wow! You have a nice smile and good hair and nice arms! That's pretty exciting.


Now here are some special rules that we also have to take into account.

Addition With Niceness:

Awesome! Niceness usually counts for more than good hair. If someone's nice to you, well, it's pretty hard to be mean at them. This is a picture of Nice, France, because it's pretty damn difficult to draw niceness in paint.

Addition With Negative Qualities (subtraction):

Oh wow! You're nice and you have a great smile! I kind of adorrree you! What's that? You also happen to be a serial killer? Naw! You're too nice for that! It must have been some sort of mistake. I adore you anyway! Still 2 <3s.

Addition With Paying Attention:

Wait, seriously, you're paying attention to what I'm saying to you? I... I... I don't know what to say! This is so unexpected! Excuse me, I just got all stickywet.

The Final Equation (Yes, this will be on the exam):

...because now you're mysterious. And you'd probably kill for me.